when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
