final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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