So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize