didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
