I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
