Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
