I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
