Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
