I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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