I'm pants shitting drunk right now
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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