apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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