Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
