I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
