We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Randomize
