It's Friday. Sex?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize