Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
