Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
