you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize