Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Sorry my hands just texted you
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
