Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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