Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
