it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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