My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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