Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
