I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Randomize
