I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Randomize
