You're completely useless in the revolution.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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