My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
