oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
