Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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