porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
