This dress was meant to end up on your floor
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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