Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
