at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
