Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
