My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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