I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
