Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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