I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
operation harelip BJ is a go
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Randomize
