You just made me feel so damn special
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm eating all of the evidence.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
