my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
