I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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