I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize