I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
