I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
