god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
