you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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