No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
