Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
honey bunches of taint.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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