How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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