I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
