dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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