Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Success! We fucked roommates!
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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