Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
