So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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