the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
