I am in a vortex of obligation.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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