he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
