between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
