Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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